It's so late I was going to skip the Confusion report altogether, but the blog is sputtering so I'm gonna go for it. I'll start by saying that we seemed to have traveled through an alternate universe to get to Troy, Michigan for the event. We left from Ann Arbor around 4 and had a pretty uneventful 1.25 hour drive to the hotel. However, after we got there, we learned that many others had made the same trip at the same time, and encountered horrible traffic snarls due to the snowstorm that was going on at the time. Further inquiry revealed that the name of this alternate universe was I-96, and it was much quieter than dreaded universe I-275.
This convention developed a theme pretty early on. The theme was...how shall I say it? Mammaries?
Yes, it seemed like I couldn't go anywhere or do anything without becoming involved in a mammary-centered encounter. A simple conversation with Mark Everson turned into a spectacle that drew a random fan from across a crowded room to execute the time honored "looking at girl's nametag" gag. We of course noted that this year, you could look at a girl's name tag and have your choice of breasts to ogle--the ones ON the nametag, or the ones flanking it, thanks to the beautifully reproduced black and white artwork of artist GOH Julie Bell.
I sat on three panels this weekend, and for the first time was not particularly nervous about speaking in front of a bunch of people. I'm not sure why I got over it, but I did, and I hope the trend continues. Ultimately, being shy is just a lot more work than being yourself, so why go to the trouble? The first one was "Where did the Future Go?" and it wasn't the best panel of the weekend? The small room did eventually fill up, but the panelists weren't real excited about the topic. The religion panel "Evil but Organized" was much better. Somewhat by prearrangement, I took on the task of defending "religion" against a panel full of whiny, bitter, disaffected atheists, agnosics, and (gasp) unitarians. Yes, pagans, ba'hai, buddhists, jehova's witnesses--I was there for you, too. I defended us all. The audience was so lively that at one point I was thinking of raising my hand to ask if panelists were allowed to speak. Fortunately, the lovely moderator, Lisa Leutheiser managed them brilliantly and things clicked along rather well. My favorite part of this panel was actually the time before it started, when I got to chat with Robert Sawyer a little bit about anthropology.
The last panel was on nanotechnology, and I thought that was a success as well, even though we lost a panelist and only had three. I got a turn being moderator that time, and I abused my power shamelessly, giving my friends extra turns to ask questions and whatnot.
The weekend continuted to be peppered with breast gags. When I toured the dealer's room with my convention-going siamese twin friend Michele, I found some funny looking letter opener things on a metalworkers table. They had a cat and a ferret, but the blade part bent at about a 40 degree angle to the "handle." I turned them over and over, trying to figure out what you'd do with such a thing. Stumped, I finally read the tags. "Cleavage cat" and "cleavage weasel," they said. Michele and I died laughing. I held the thing, which must have been half a pound at least of cold, polished steel, up to my sternum and wondered aloud if the things came in an A cup. Later the same day, we came upon a table of black T-shirts with clever quotes on them. They were exceptionally funny, and I can't remember nearly enough of the quotes to do them justice. Michele bought one for her teenaged nephew that said, "Knowledge is power; Power corrupts; Study hard, be evil." But our hands-down favorite was the T-shirt that said, "These breasts are not the breasts you're looking for. Move along." We laughed ourselves all the way into the hallway on that one.
Saturday ended with a quiet dinner at a sushi restaurant. I went home that night, since I had not slept much Friday night and missed my family. I thought I might come back Sunday, if only for the cliche paragraph panel, but then I wasn't feeling well Sunday morning and inertia set in. I spent the day curled up with a book wearing sweat pants. Pity, since I had intended to enter the cliche paragraph contest, and it turns out I could have won by default. I love winning contests where there are no other entries. Anyway, I know it's all over and everything, but I'll leave you with my feeble effort at stringing together cliches. After all these years of trying to write well, I don't know if I can do this...nah, I can do it.
The maiden's bosom heaved as she begged Lord Necromivor for mercy. The tears that streamed from her eyes almost stirred his heart to pity, for, indeed, she was fair. She had hair of spun gold, violet eyes, alabaster skin, bee stung lips and a washboard abs like Britney Spears. And yet his eyes were irresistably drawn to the solid silver-steel cleavage cat nestling between the swells of her heaving breasts. Forged beneath the mountains before the dawn of the world, it had eyes of purest scarlet emerald. It seemed to be looking at Necromivor, begging him to have mercy. "No," he cried suddenly, throwing the maiden down on the railroad tracks and lashing her hands and feet to the rails. "If I can't have you, no one will!"
For the record, IIRC my line to Catherine in para 3 was:
"Honest, I'm just looking at the breasts on your nametag."
The star wars knockeroff t-shirt is funny Catherine, thanks for sharing!
Posted by: Mark Everson | February 01, 2004 at 09:55 PM
I wasn't watching the Superbowl this year, so it's not my fault what happened with Janet and Justin!
PS Mark you were FUNNY!
Posted by: Catherine | February 02, 2004 at 06:30 PM
The breast theme continued in the masquerade, with nine scantily-dressed fairies who were showing almost as much as Janet Jackson was (they had pasties). Guess it really was a theme.
Gotta admit I don't get the "cleavage cat" things. Were they meant as concealed blades or something?
Posted by: Joe | February 03, 2004 at 11:09 AM
Wow! I completely missed the cleavage cats. Those would have been great items to feature in the "high weirdness tour" of the dealers' room.
Posted by: Lisa | February 03, 2004 at 10:10 PM